Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Chocho's little sunshine...

I could go on till dawn staring at him sleep..with his hands tucked under his jaws and legs resting on my tummy. I did not know what it was like to have a child of my own yet. But one thing I do know..if I had one, I would love that child just like I loved this little sunshine holding on to me - my 8 year old Benn.

Thanks to my sister's being close to our home even after her marriage, Benn was around me right from his first day. I remember every single moment with him. He had those googly woogly woosh cheeks. And even today, I cant have enough of his hugs and kisses. The only difference is, he thinks he is a major that shouldnt be hugging big girls too much. Man! What a show?! It scares me now if I would lose him to his friends, his own world that he is building up in school and around. And I try to steal his time by showing him movies, playing transformers with him, having discussions on the BEN-10 aliens and buying him his "forbidden food" Kurkure - only to make my sister look like the Hitler of the house!

"You are growing up too soon" I tell him. And he replies - "What else do you expect Chocho? You want me to be a kid!" and he walks away doing his hip hop walk with his hands making the cool signs - whatever those mean! I couldn't hold my laughter and tears when he asked my sis about Valentines Day. And as my sister goes on to explain the love relationships between mom-daughter, brother-sister, etc, he catches on the mom-dad and boy-girl love, giggling away.
He hates mathematics, especially when I teach him. "Amma, are you giving her money to teach me???? She is Soooooo Strict!" he comments! Lol.
Tomorrow is our day out together. He announced to all at home that married people will strictly be forbidden from coming along!..After a minute of thinking, he caught my eye and told me - "Except Chocho!..married girls that are your age are allowed". We grinned! And I couldnt help but get excited about the fun we're going to have tomorrow!
This is my Joker!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Questioning love....

It was only 2 hours away from new years. I was left to myself, whether I wanted it that way or not. After almost a day of retreating in my shell of feeling deprived (of I dont know what), I slapped my attitude and decided to just speak to him. I asked Abba..."Do you know how much I love you....?...."

I was quite surprised at the next thought that dropped in me. I had always seen these images of Jesus Christ that have been painted and sketched and framed at homes and shops. I wondered if I had subconsciously perceived that as HIS face and HIS image.

"What if he looked totally different? What if he looked like....um....dark,short and weird?....what if he looked like...INDRANS..?!..". I laughed a bit and then was quite shocked myself....I couldnt digest that he would look like any different from the way I had imagined. And...did that mean I was subconsciously never loving him only because of what he's done for me and his love for me?...."Did that mean...I did not love you the way I thought I did, Pa?"

I knew the answer for the question I had asked him in the beginning...Yes, he did know how much I love him. It just wasn't enough. I felt something new that night...

New love...deeper love.

I just wished...that he would come down and give me the tightest embrace....