Painting the masterpiece - My first testimony of faith

Faith...isn't faith until it is all we are holding onto.

This is my first testimony on faith. On God.

I lived on the understanding that I knew all about him because he was like a friend. But then came other friends. And we went out of touch… and I….stayed out of touch until…

Today. He is more than a friend. And what I write below is our first real conversation. Of how he held out his hand to me. I believe they say it is uncool to write on God and on your beliefs in him. But I find it hard to not stand up for him. One of the many reasons being,he stood up for me.

On the corner of my bed, with the phone on one hand and my bible in the other. 3 long hours of a heart breaking conversation, struggling to make a decision. I kept flipping the pages in the bible to look for a sign that helped me take my decision. I always looked for signs to believe.

There were so many lives that were at stake. There were just 2 roads before me. The one on the right and the one on the left.

I knew the road to the left. I had been there and every step I took would lead me to where I know I would be. It is a human trait to prefer security and predictability. The brains prefer the known road even if it may be filled with rubble and dust. A known devil is better than an unknown angel.

The road to the right was that to complete unpredictability. Every step on such a road is a leap of faith, guided by the voice of your heart.

It wasn’t long after a conflict between the heart and the brains, that my heart won. After painting a picture of life that relied on my understanding alone, what I have on my canvas was not the masterpiece I wanted. I decided to let go of the rope that I was hanging on to. No. The rope is not a person or a relationship. It was the fact that I relied mostly on my understanding and the permutations and combinations that my brains worked out (even after knowing I was a pity at mathematics)!

I decided to take a leap of faith and believe that the road on the right is the right one indeed. It would lead me to unpredictability of a lifetime. I would have to hold the hands of a God I believe in and walk straight into the pitch dark room and believe he would take me to the right place, and would hold me if i tumble and fall. I would have to rely not just on my understanding, but my faith in a God we call Father.

Soon after I took the decision and announced it to all that mattered, I shut myself in the room. I opened the bible once again. My eyes fell on 2 verses –

“1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.”

There was just one lesson to be learnt. God did not want me to look for signs first to believe that he is taking care of me and taking control over my life. He wanted me to believe first so that I will see the signs he was waiting to show me.

I let go of the rope . I have not fallen. I am flying instead. Flying away through an unpredictable road. In faith. Some day, in his time, the masterpiece on my canvas will be complete.

Ignorance...is bliss.

As a child, I wondered less about what it would be like to be older. Today, I wonder no more. It is everything but a wonder. It is a fear..to think about finding myself grey haired and not yet lived my life..the way I wanted.

Come to think of it, I feel proud and content to be in my shoes. The most valuable treasures in life are mine today – experiences. A kaleidoscope of life. As you turn it around, there’s always a new blend of colors, a new design manifesting itself from the next corner. The grey shades in the last corner is swept over by new colors.

I see grandma skittering around like a child. I see the cycle of life completing its course around her. The heart of an 8 year old is back in an 80 year old. To all around me, she is a sight of pity. The way I look at it, its everything but pathetic. There is a world that she has created for herself and she is content in. That is her world and she wouldn’t come out of it for anyone.

God just blessed her with a gift of ignorance and named it Alzheimers.

The railway station

Oct. 16th, 2008

The end of a phase in my life that built a billion dreams and broke a zillion promises. The beginning of a phase that marked the realization of who I am and the curiosity to know my destiny.

The railway station…

The bags were packed and the friends had arrived. We were all ready to go for yet another drive to the station. But this time, it was me. I was the one to leave.

There was an awkward silence in between the remarks to humorise the see-off drive. A silence that made everyone uncomfortable enough to say it out loud – ‘oru smashaana moogadha!’. Those were the times when I interupted myself with my weird noises that everyone would gladly ignore. Maybe, they agreed with me that anything was better than the silence that sunk the feeling of a long goodbye.I wished they would put the music and they finally did.I tore my cheeks apart to bring out the pasted smile on my face. Within 30 minutes of the drive, I felt my mood flip like the pages of an open book placed outside on a breezy day. One moment I was caught in nostalgia of how we drove the others to the station and how each time I would be one of those who cracked the satirical jokes and destroyed the sentiments in the air. Another moment I felt the feeling sink in me that this is indeed not a weekend trip to Cochin….that I was going away for good. The moment next to that was me telling myself I have to enjoy these last moments with the gang and not find myself caught in my thoughts. As I got out of the car, my heart beat a little faster. It was like a thud in my heart and I had to sigh out loud to myself to tell myself I can do this without letting anyone know it hurts…or rather, how much it hurts…

As we waited for the train, I sat next to Thommy, probably one of our last times sitting lazily together with slumped shoulders, staring into empty space…this was what we enjoyed doing the most..with nothing said, it was always yet the best conversations I’d had. Joby strolled casually around. Tina and Deepak stood right before me, the three of us avoiding all chances of looking at each other…quietly saying what was always unsaid…. I searched for VJ around and I saw him walk briskly, in a high after his record breaking booze of several quarters in 6 minutes. There was something warm about the smile we gave each other, it was as if he understood whatever it was. Meanwhile, crazy Divya lightened things up by continuing the remarks and the jokes. I kept smiling, stealing my eyes from getting caught with anybody else’s. I did not want anyone to read my eyes, the truth being, I did not know for myself what they would read. They would probably read what I possibly deny myself from knowing. The stealing show went perfect until Maria looked right at me. Her smile said a million words, above all, that she would miss me. As she fought back the tears welling up in her eyes, there was probably a question if I would miss her too? I had to reply….and I replied back…in tears. I didn’t have to wait for Divya to return with her comments and break the emotional leak outs. We were back to smiles again.

Time flew. It was 9.15. I saw the train move and in no time I found myself jump onto the train. In a split second, I lost track of my mind and I did not know what I was doing anymore or why. All I could do was look at those left behind and not even utter goodbye. I wondered when I would see them again. I wondered… if they knew how I felt……

Unwritten, unforgettable..

In 13 days, Chennai would make its way from being a living dream into being an eternal memory. The whole journey now feels like a walk in the woods. Just as scared as I was to begin the journey, the excitement and adventures never died down. It just got better as we crossed the woods. I had hands that I could hold on to when we sniffed danger. And now that we've crossed the woods together, it is time to let go.....and go alone to the point where the next journey begins. For when one ends, the next should begin...

Destiny, they say, is a matter of choice and not chance. And I wish at this point, that the chances of all our choices being the same would be high...but life's lesson is that we dont take all that we love along with us wherever we go.

Sometimes letting go is the end.....and sometimes it is just the beginning of realising what those relationships mean to you, even if that selfish little heart in you would never get to know what you mean to them..

Life is all about living those moments. Live the laughter. Live the tears. Live the disappointments. Live those fears. Here....i lived it all...'they' taught me how to...

Bitter or better..they were lessons that only those really close ones can teach you.

I can never write about how this feels........Silence.....These are the chapters that could never go forgotten...even if they are unwritten.