I feel alive once more..

Written long back. Took me a lot of thought to choose to post this. (even after a few edits..lol) But, well..Its was one of those days when you wonder what the purpose of your life is. I've found mine today. A little intense for only people who know me (someone says so...;))...

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt the rope around my waist pull me down to the valleys of darkness. Once again my heart sank within me, hopes of revival crushed. I wondered why the ones I once loved were against me...How long would this wrath of theirs continue to burn my heart? For a quick moment I even felt like this darkness would never go away from my life. I thought of ways to erase this hurt....and in one insane corner of my mind I was wishing that I'd be taken away to a place where I'd feel this hurt no more.

Some people walk away from our lives forever, some are made to leave....and slowly the realisation that all of us come alone to this world and are indeed alone, that only you can can understand why you made the choices you made, that only God can explain why you are in the path that you are....gets stronger as you grow older...or rather grow wiser.

When I thought of choosing to dwell in the most scary thoughts over choosing life, one of those videos that I once saw came to my mind - Lifehouse - Everything skit. I couldn't agree more to being the girl in the video. Even after knowing the presence of God in my life, even after preaching words of faith to people I knew in the last one month, I was at this moment last night where I felt like God had let me go.....hopeless in thought, something pulled me to the laptop and I saw the video once again.......

....it was miraculous how I felt like I have never seen this before or fathomed the depth of the video....there was this reaffirmation my Father was at the other end pulling the rope to get me back in track....Last night, I was so blinded by the darkness in my life that I did not see him trying to get to me. The darn thought of not choosing life was putting me down so much that I could not extend my hand out to the hand that was trying to hold me....

Broke down once more before his presence, to believe stronger than yesterday that the night is lifted and nothing ever can stop me from believing that....This day,this hour is new,filled with new promises and a constantly reviving hope of living those unfinished dreams..Above all, I'm just glad that I lived today with all my heart....doing all those little things I loved to do......grateful for the breath of life, a complete wipe out of fear and a revived passion for all the beautiful things in this world...It is how WE CHOOSE to take life, like one friend said,

"When we ask for strength, God gives us the oppurtunity to be strong...."

We can either choose to die each moment of life or choose to flap our wings against the wind and fly higher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Just a piece of my mind.

Its only a matter of time when we all grow OLD and become KIDS again. Until then, there is this whole attempt to grow mature and behave mature and if at all this tinge of maturity doesn't show up in us..a whole lot of pretense. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I used to pretend (failed attempts) to be mature. There was this obscure look that I would wear on my face, especially the eyes. It lies in the eyes! I used to squint my eyes, curl my eyebrows and give the focussed look! Wonder how much of an impact it made. Whatever it was that the person taking a glimpse at me felt, I sure did feel uncomfortable - a little dizzy,with that squeezing pain in between my brows. Being a sinusitis patient, you can't really apply much focus on anything for too long. It hurts (or I used to say so. It helps a lot..and you know when to use that statement..).
Back to the point,all that pain..It struck me some couple of months later that people really did not see me (or treat me) any different. I was still called the brat.The kid..So I quit those attempts and just started being myself. I didnt stop the mad gestures - eye rolling, eye popping, sudden noises, hums, etc..that came on naturally and weren't too feminine or graceful. I let them flow....until I got glaring looks or from neighbours indicating that it caused extreme discomfort or distractions.
I got to Kuwait and I realised that there need be no more attempts whatsoever to alter any so-called immature behavior or mannerisms. It was no doubt an inherited trait. One late evening, I was relishing my dinner and being a disinterested audience to the TV show "IDEA-Star Singer". I was forced to watch the show as it apparently was a must-watch among the two 58-year olds. No sooner than the show started, there was this raging conflict about who the judge was. They wouldn't come to an agreement. And like it was not enough that they had one issue to settle, there was another thread of argument - "Even otherwise, you don't trust what I say". Well? Yes, I wondered if we could apply such invaluable dialogues to more serious contexts. I sighed and continued munching, making sure I did not support either, because that could cost me my sleep for the rest of the night, being accused for supporting one and rejecting the other. Not a great move, I thought. But someone's got to rise up to the situation before another thread is added to this endless loop of arguments. Flared like a mother of 2 kids and commanded at my loudest voice that I needed pin-drop silence or else....Amazing how the voice of 'relative' maturity can command obedience. Success was in my hand. I did not need distorted expressions this time. Mom retreated to her sofa and Dad chose the other end of the room. As we resumed the TV show, I thought to myself -
I couldn't possibly violate. I have sworn with much difficulty to retain this shade of immaturity in me. It's a gift that my line of descendants couldn't possibly afford to miss!

** leaving this incomplete as another thread of tiff starts in the background.Deadlocks...I've heard of them. But, this is the best way to never forget what they mean.

Marriage - A Serious Joke

Early morning, 8.30 am.....(early? Yes, for me....esp on a lazy cold winter weekend morning)..

I'm not one among those that rush to brush! So here I am. Carrying my body along with me, not realizing I'm dragging my blanket half way down the ugly trash. The noises outside woke me up. I couldnt be more right about what I heard. Dad made it a point to let the whole world know that he is up and active.

I'm still frowning and squinty eyed. He smiles, one that is brighter than usual. Something was fishy, I thought, with him holding my hands and pulling me down to where he was sitting. And then, the following conversation.........

Dad : Moley..........(You cant even imagine how sweet that was......)
Me : mm...?
Dad : You know these guys in the matrimonial sites.......they all have moustaches.
Me : ????????
Dad : You like guys without moustache, alle?
Me : (In my sleepy head, it felt like a great idea to say yes.....).....Oh yeahhhh Papa.....(fake disappointment).....Guys with moustache look so old...eh....mm...no papa...plsss.....you didnt find any without moustache...(sometimes it is best to show you are concerned)....?
Dad : Kutta....If you check for guys without moustache, you will only get 5 % selection....*&(*&(*&(&*>..............(blah blah blah).......
Me : (relaxed.............i know I can rest in peace for a while now......)

All for this wonderful morning conversation......I wonder how long I can dodge this joke, until it gets serious some day!

And as for my request to the men out there. Please.. Moustache is the word. Keep it on!

Sigh!! :/