Alvida, Kuwait.

I kept staring at the way my nails were shaped. Absurd. They were shapeless, I thought.

Amidst the amused thought of wondering how I could make it look better groped another thought - "So its time, Isn't it?". I didn't dodge it this time. The parties were over. But what still clung on to me were the memories - of an especially different year of my life. A year that got me transformed - from within. School time friends walked into my life, reviving not only our friendships but also some sort of an innocence and clarity of thought that existed back then. The word of God walked back into my life leaving me inquisitive about its power to withstand shifting sands and bring some supernatural unexplainable exuberance in my life.

The Chaddis, the Yammies and the Chens. Bomber November. Spontaneity was the attitude of the chens.In the nick of 5 minutes, the Chens would all just decide to be together. Parents had it decided that if they needed to see their children, they had to now be at their bedside only to watch them sleep. Lol. I wonder if we spent even close to 10 days at home during bomber november. We split just to crash on bed.

Yeah, its time again. I think of how much I would miss them...

But what leaves me smiling sitting here is that I realise goodbyes had been harder and shattering, but this time I have been gifted with a goodbye that lets Kuwait see me leave not as a shattered soul but as a person whole, unbroken and passionate about life, proud about friendships and hopeful about love.

One down.....!!

For a girl (uh...lady) like me....filled with big dreams and little courage, the last one year has been a roller coaaaaaaaaster ride. Taking steps to just shut my eyes and race against all thoughts/words/people that would inhibhit or discourage me from getting thhhheeeeeeere!!...I dont know how....but maybe its the so-called undeserving favor called 'his' grace - I'm all game for any bouncers on the road ahead!!....."No way devil,I'm not impressed with your tactics to burn me out, so bring it on" - Phew, took me years to say that out loud!! HAHA!!! And boy!! Is it WORTH IT or what?!!!!!!.......O YEA!!...
Apart from a big bonus gift that I've won for life (lets talk about that wonder later! ;) ), there was one small dream that came true for me tonite! -
ho ho!!!!! I sang in the choir (lahaaalalaaaaaa!!!!! :D ).I expressed a little fright to someone...he told me to just shut it all, pray and just sing with all it takes....I did so!!

Yoohoo...another one down from the list to do's!!

Like a shower of rain....

I feel blessed.
It feels like a shower of rain......
Wanna put this into words...
A journey stranger than fiction.....
But not now.....
Just let me get soaked.....man,its raining.........
(Athe...vellam kandittu varshangalaayi...:P)

Your shoulder next to mine..

Yet another one for my Big Daddy! ;)

Why did I not care to reach out
when you were holding out your hand...
Maybe I was blind...or maybe I didnt know
of your shoulder next to mine...

I was leaning on brittle lies and words
when I was walking with a shallow heart..O Lord..
until I knew....that I could lean on
your shoulder next to mine...

So now I'm running..and I'm flying
And I can see that I am free
Cos I am standing on your promises
with your shoulder next to mine...

And I'm joyful, I feel beautiful
Cos Abba Father....you live in me
And now I fret not but I hold on to
your shoulder next to mine...

It makes no sense, but it feels so right....

I'm running out...out into the rain...
I've stayed in so long,I've gotten so dry!
The storms dont scare me, Maybe I'm insane..
Yeah, I'm laughing at myself...but it feels so right...

I'm jumping down..down this rickety bridge....
It was shaky and I think I'd be better in the air...
Hung in between...in between nowhere...
Yeah, it makes no sense..but it feels so right....

I'm walking out of history....
I'm in love with the mystery....
Yeah, it makes no sense...but it feels so right!

Emma is home!! :)

Emma is home!! Man, its like a baby is born! I couldn't thank Saumia enough for letting me adopt her....! ;) I promise ya,gurl -

I wont put her in the corner...
I wont let her get dusty or scarred...
'N the next time you see her,
You're gonna find a star! ;)

buhaha!!

WOHOOOOOO!!!!!!! :D

What is INDRI APPAM?!

INDRI-APPAM.

Oru Pachchatheri.....is what I always thought it was. Yea, now if you do by any chance know what it really means, dont blame me for thinking it was a theri-item instead of a food item!....Reason? My beloved Amma! Me, sis and bro were always a little too hyper when it came to delayed breakfast/lunch/dinner. Frustrated, amma would rage up and say "INDRI APPAM!" when we asked her what the hell is there at home to eat?!

It is not until the last week that I discovered it was a APPAyude (APPAMinte) swantham APPUS. APPAM's child.

Non-keralites, A in APPAM is read as A in Antartica. I always hated listening to it being pronounced as aaappam! "aaaapp" might mean "You" in hindi, but I guess it is a pachchatheri in malayalam. Well, unless I discover that even "aaaapp" is one of those innocent words that was misused!

It was in a prayer meeting when the guy giving the message talked about I.N.R.I. Somehow he teased about how people read it as INDRI and connected it to INDRI APPAM! I frowned at that word wondering why he was using such words in a prayer gathering!! Fortunately, before I would open my mouth to the neighbouring aunty, he spoke about INDRI APPAM and detailed what it meant!!!! I was gaping and staring at my mom who so innocently sat there not knowing how much damage she had done to me....!

Now for all those who were in the same boat as mine - yea, I completely understand how this feels. Now the last thing I want to know is that indri appam does mean something else too!! NO! I DONT WANT TO KNOW! For me indri appam is only an appam! :/

The making of an unforgettable YAM evening...!

Starting this from the break of the events for me would be a good idea..

>>Sometime ago.....

A darn Saturday at work couldn't have had a better and brighter end with the power failing! My boss slammed my table (shocking me enough to slip off my chair) and made a few sly remarks on how we couldnt for once blame the vendor for this failure!! To make it a rather shocking end for me, just as me and my colleagues were debating on making an exit, the phone rang....

Ronny : Hullo..?....

Me : Ronnyyyy!!!

Ronny : Hey,I just gave it a shot!! You free today?...5.30...?

Me : Emm.....yea....? (confused....i always mixed up my plans for a day)

Ronny : You there for the skit on the YAM evening. You are the ammachi.

Me : Wha? Yea? Why?....

........

I needn't explain the rest, do I?

Well, it was not the first time that I was the last to know of what I am a part of!...Be it rumours, masalas or a REAL incident....blame my dreamy mind that is almost always lingering around in fairy tale lands...I almost always get the last bite of the cake!...well, I didn't mind it one bit....it was invariably a tasty bite! :P

>>28th April 2009 - 1 more day, still relaxed..

I made a smart move to make it on time for practise (atleast) this time! Took a casual stroll around my boss' office and timed my 2 minute wait in front of his office to coincide with the time at which others packed into his office.

Sighed,shrugged my shoulders,nodded in disappointment in not being able to meet him. It was in one of these moments that I probably agreed to myself that there is an inborn theatre talent in me...! Sho! Enikku ennodu thanne asooya thonnunnu!! :P smiled my inner voice....Didn't wait to drift into dreamland again. It was time for action. Picked up my bag and made a dash for the elevator just in time!

Met up with the chaddis as usual. Meeting them was always a dash of life out of the blues....there was THE car..Amit's little vehicle - our lifesaver almost all the time, for reasons that he (the car personified) almost always is the only one that makes sure we reach our destination in one piece inspite of the roadbumps we fly on! And inspite of the glass bottles we crush on, the tiers refuse to get punctured! Sunita,Sau and I would chit-chat away invariably, with Amit and Jojo wondering (what?)....!

With the YAM evening in mind, things were no less amusing for us...Considering that there was just a day left and Sau was still as blank as a spectator about the skit, I attempted to introduce Saumia to the story of the skit. I heard Su yell out in the background making it clear to us that she did not want the surprise element to be busted for her.

The evening went crazy..after worship and testimonies, it was already 8.30 pm. We had an hour to clam up our first-time rehearsals with the skit, spare 5 minutes for the song rehearsals and watch Sau's YAM movie and skoot off back home. Things moved faster than a race....leaving us all a little dizzy but happy....:)

>>29th April 2009 - The day before THE DAY.

uH? Already???.....

Dashed to Su's door, wondering just how late I am for practise...just to see Syril look at me confused with either his equations or at my untimed presence! But things got crystal clear when he handed out the phone and asked me to call Su to find out where she is..Well, for a change, I was the last to be late. Could things be a little more crazier when Sau ran in with her broken shoes, cribbing so much about it and wanting to go back home to change it. I thought - em! Maggi (her character in the skit) wouldnt be all that lost in Sau after all. (Lol, I know she mite kill me for this statement). Barging in next was Su herself...tired but ready to offer us tea. Well, it wasnt surprising at all to know that Amit/Jojo were waiting dot at the moment we were to start off our practise. Yup - that was it - 2 rounds and off we left for the logn evening ahead of us @ Laila Chechi's place. What a jerk am I?..Forgot to introduce the script writer - To add to my laurels, she is my aunt, in all privileges I would say that for the amazing person she is! And no doubts, what an awesome script she brought forth...Trip to Joyland..

The characters in a glance would seem like the weirdest people we come to encounter with...but closely observed, they all have shades of us in them - the ones that shop till they drop before a journey, the middle aged couple that prefer to steal their way into the journey to make sure nobody else gets the share of fun/rather profits, the rich and affluent gonner who thinks he can board the bus with his contacts and not get a ticket for himself even if he knows so well that he could buy the whole bus station, the easy-going couple that prefers to board the bus with their fathers ticket, the young man who confesses to the counter he was too late to know about the trip and gets a free ride and the 70 year old grandma who leaves her entire life behind and brings the lessons of life along with her to persuade the characters and the people to leave all and love the journey..the journey to joyland..the journey to salvation. All the characters finally board the bus, leaving all that they shopped, all the luggages they carried and by accepting the price Christ paid for their ticket to hope!...all except the rich and affluent guy...yeah,thats reality though. There's always one of us that is left behind in the worship for money, fame or sometimes..just out of ego!

Back to the evening @ Laila chechis'. It ended with a lot of bloopers and a grand wind up of all our practise sessions.

But no, the night was still long. Got calls for a rush-up birthday bash that was scheduled for 9 pm @ Simi's place. Well...time was 10.30....and it was already a deadline crossover back at our homes. Decided to make it for the party and stake it for the lectures that were waiting at home! It was a race on the road, picked up Sunita from her place....yeah, her Mom was rather cool!! Just gave her the keys and asked her not to trouble her when she's back home! lol....Rushed up to hit it at Simi's place with Amit/Jojo/Sau/Sunita at 11.15...it was worth it..the whole ride was a combination of behavioral disorientation by Sau and me, caused by lack of sleep or probably an overdose of excitement that shoots up when its beyond 10 at nite ! :P...Back home at 12, was spared the lectures, surprisingly!!

>>30th May 2009 - THE DAY.

The day had come...or rather just rolled into our lives like a big boulder and we were still all hazy and cloudy about what this is going to turn out to be. The funniest part was...I did not think any of us had that small corner of our minds reserved to set an expectation of a performance either. Even as I was at work typing out codes and select queries on my database application, my nerves were deceiving me into thinking I am the grandmother at the bus stand...As I forcefully snapped out of it every now and then, the thought that none of the props were close to being ready was freaking me out and forcing me to laugh out to myself, wondering how crazy everyone's gonna behave at that last hour...ramping around, shouting, screaming and the least bit listening to anyone else around....!

The chain mails had crossed 30 now and none of us were less than hyper excited for the evening to set in...We had all got permissions from the big bosses for making an early exit from office and Sunita had done her boogie in the loo to celebrate that!!

Time flew and we were all set for the hungama....it went on just like I imagined it to - boxing up the bus with the chart sheets, making wheels with the aluminium foils, trying to flick tables from the vicinity to use them as props, last minute music practises, setting up projectors, checking the movie tracks....it was all perfect - or as I describe it - crazy! Things are normal that way, atleast for me. I always suspect things to be abnormal if something is not crazy around.

Glimpses of Syril's make-up specialties experimented on my ammachi role, Sau/Sunita comforting me that we can do a good job with the song, Ronny/Davis/Roni n the rest doing the best they could....its all happened faster than I can recall!!

Families had started filling up the hall...the nite started on...and ended faster than we knew...

Now,more than the list of events that followed, all I would say is that through every show there was a passion and love for that amazing God...there was an anxiety that went through some of us, which was lifted up in a moment of prayer and what followed...?....an awesome evening filled with his absolutely stunning grace and power! Whoever said worshippin God wasn't fun...haven't experienced joy yet!

Phew....as tired as I am writing this blog...and as tired as you all may be reading this one....we were all just as tired as that after the wrap up....but the feeling of having seen it all work out like a wonder...that is the only thing I am unable to put into words here!

http://picasaweb.google.com/crzy.leonian/YAM?authkey=Gv1sRgCMrS8IPx74vP2gE#

God hides

Why do you hide..
Why do you seem away, so far...
Its like I'm just a mistake away to go to that start....
the start of a history I'd rather not repeat..
But would that be possible
if you're not here with me...?
Is it me...Have I been wrong...?
If that is so, take away all of me.
The roof above my head,
the ground below my feet,
the pleasures of life that I feel,
they mean nothing to me
if I'm just a mistake away to go to that start...
the start where I knew nothing of you..
Can I believe that this solitude is just not true..
That if not ahead or beside,
you are still watching over me..

I feel alive once more..

Written long back. Took me a lot of thought to choose to post this. (even after a few edits..lol) But, well..Its was one of those days when you wonder what the purpose of your life is. I've found mine today. A little intense for only people who know me (someone says so...;))...

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt the rope around my waist pull me down to the valleys of darkness. Once again my heart sank within me, hopes of revival crushed. I wondered why the ones I once loved were against me...How long would this wrath of theirs continue to burn my heart? For a quick moment I even felt like this darkness would never go away from my life. I thought of ways to erase this hurt....and in one insane corner of my mind I was wishing that I'd be taken away to a place where I'd feel this hurt no more.

Some people walk away from our lives forever, some are made to leave....and slowly the realisation that all of us come alone to this world and are indeed alone, that only you can can understand why you made the choices you made, that only God can explain why you are in the path that you are....gets stronger as you grow older...or rather grow wiser.

When I thought of choosing to dwell in the most scary thoughts over choosing life, one of those videos that I once saw came to my mind - Lifehouse - Everything skit. I couldn't agree more to being the girl in the video. Even after knowing the presence of God in my life, even after preaching words of faith to people I knew in the last one month, I was at this moment last night where I felt like God had let me go.....hopeless in thought, something pulled me to the laptop and I saw the video once again.......

....it was miraculous how I felt like I have never seen this before or fathomed the depth of the video....there was this reaffirmation my Father was at the other end pulling the rope to get me back in track....Last night, I was so blinded by the darkness in my life that I did not see him trying to get to me. The darn thought of not choosing life was putting me down so much that I could not extend my hand out to the hand that was trying to hold me....

Broke down once more before his presence, to believe stronger than yesterday that the night is lifted and nothing ever can stop me from believing that....This day,this hour is new,filled with new promises and a constantly reviving hope of living those unfinished dreams..Above all, I'm just glad that I lived today with all my heart....doing all those little things I loved to do......grateful for the breath of life, a complete wipe out of fear and a revived passion for all the beautiful things in this world...It is how WE CHOOSE to take life, like one friend said,

"When we ask for strength, God gives us the oppurtunity to be strong...."

We can either choose to die each moment of life or choose to flap our wings against the wind and fly higher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Just a piece of my mind.

Its only a matter of time when we all grow OLD and become KIDS again. Until then, there is this whole attempt to grow mature and behave mature and if at all this tinge of maturity doesn't show up in us..a whole lot of pretense. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I used to pretend (failed attempts) to be mature. There was this obscure look that I would wear on my face, especially the eyes. It lies in the eyes! I used to squint my eyes, curl my eyebrows and give the focussed look! Wonder how much of an impact it made. Whatever it was that the person taking a glimpse at me felt, I sure did feel uncomfortable - a little dizzy,with that squeezing pain in between my brows. Being a sinusitis patient, you can't really apply much focus on anything for too long. It hurts (or I used to say so. It helps a lot..and you know when to use that statement..).
Back to the point,all that pain..It struck me some couple of months later that people really did not see me (or treat me) any different. I was still called the brat.The kid..So I quit those attempts and just started being myself. I didnt stop the mad gestures - eye rolling, eye popping, sudden noises, hums, etc..that came on naturally and weren't too feminine or graceful. I let them flow....until I got glaring looks or from neighbours indicating that it caused extreme discomfort or distractions.
I got to Kuwait and I realised that there need be no more attempts whatsoever to alter any so-called immature behavior or mannerisms. It was no doubt an inherited trait. One late evening, I was relishing my dinner and being a disinterested audience to the TV show "IDEA-Star Singer". I was forced to watch the show as it apparently was a must-watch among the two 58-year olds. No sooner than the show started, there was this raging conflict about who the judge was. They wouldn't come to an agreement. And like it was not enough that they had one issue to settle, there was another thread of argument - "Even otherwise, you don't trust what I say". Well? Yes, I wondered if we could apply such invaluable dialogues to more serious contexts. I sighed and continued munching, making sure I did not support either, because that could cost me my sleep for the rest of the night, being accused for supporting one and rejecting the other. Not a great move, I thought. But someone's got to rise up to the situation before another thread is added to this endless loop of arguments. Flared like a mother of 2 kids and commanded at my loudest voice that I needed pin-drop silence or else....Amazing how the voice of 'relative' maturity can command obedience. Success was in my hand. I did not need distorted expressions this time. Mom retreated to her sofa and Dad chose the other end of the room. As we resumed the TV show, I thought to myself -
I couldn't possibly violate. I have sworn with much difficulty to retain this shade of immaturity in me. It's a gift that my line of descendants couldn't possibly afford to miss!

** leaving this incomplete as another thread of tiff starts in the background.Deadlocks...I've heard of them. But, this is the best way to never forget what they mean.

Marriage - A Serious Joke

Early morning, 8.30 am.....(early? Yes, for me....esp on a lazy cold winter weekend morning)..

I'm not one among those that rush to brush! So here I am. Carrying my body along with me, not realizing I'm dragging my blanket half way down the ugly trash. The noises outside woke me up. I couldnt be more right about what I heard. Dad made it a point to let the whole world know that he is up and active.

I'm still frowning and squinty eyed. He smiles, one that is brighter than usual. Something was fishy, I thought, with him holding my hands and pulling me down to where he was sitting. And then, the following conversation.........

Dad : Moley..........(You cant even imagine how sweet that was......)
Me : mm...?
Dad : You know these guys in the matrimonial sites.......they all have moustaches.
Me : ????????
Dad : You like guys without moustache, alle?
Me : (In my sleepy head, it felt like a great idea to say yes.....).....Oh yeahhhh Papa.....(fake disappointment).....Guys with moustache look so old...eh....mm...no papa...plsss.....you didnt find any without moustache...(sometimes it is best to show you are concerned)....?
Dad : Kutta....If you check for guys without moustache, you will only get 5 % selection....*&(*&(*&(&*>..............(blah blah blah).......
Me : (relaxed.............i know I can rest in peace for a while now......)

All for this wonderful morning conversation......I wonder how long I can dodge this joke, until it gets serious some day!

And as for my request to the men out there. Please.. Moustache is the word. Keep it on!

Sigh!! :/

Stretch...Warm up....and boom!!

Phew...!!

Aerobics...not one thing that I ever thought would attempt,but yes I did! :P

The first class. Me and 2 other friends dashed in with all vigor, smiles and enthusiasm to lose the flabs! I was a little embarassed, feeling funny as we did some step aerobics warm up...the sir went..."1....2...3.....and 4....."..He stepped up and down. I made sure that when he said left, I went right....certainly confusing all that were behind me as well (Yes, God knows why he put me right in the front row)!! My friends who know me for sure know that when I say left, it means right and vice versa. I've always been unbeatable with directions.

After a whole drama of warming up..the music was on full blast...the guy worked us up with all kinds of aerobics moves including kicks.....Half an hour down the clock...I was panting, my face went red......and I stopped. The guy raged up and stopped in front of me....I froze and wondered if I had landed up in some military school!!......Then he laughed out loud and said...you can rest!....Damn...was it embarassing...to add to it, he commented pointing at the above 40 year olds there, saying I was too young to pant after half an hour! Sigh......

Sure did take the chance to laugh at myself!.....No gain (or rather loss in this case) without pain, they say! Sure it is. Literally in pain.....right from the finger tips to the toes.

Not waiting much for the 2nd class.....but sure am waiting to see the number on the scale go down.....! :/