......

I feel like that piece of metal in the hands of the blacksmith. I feel the fire that I am put into. Just as painful as it is, witnessing the texture in me transform amazes me enough to overlook the pain. And for a quick moment, I realise how I've forgotten to consider that the hands of the blacksmith are burning just as much as I am.

He burns me, refines me and lets himself burn, just to let me know that he makes all things beautiful in his time.

Reading through Genesis where God tells Abraham, "Leave your country and your people and go to the land that I will show you..and I will bless you..", I felt no less than what Abraham felt when God made me reach a point where I had to leave my country and my people, not knowing where the land that I had to go to was. His command is always followed by a promise, a blessing. Abraham was blessed with a whole nation and a baby boy at the age of 99, even though his wife was said to be barren. I wonder what blessing it is that I would witness tomorrow. But today, I feel I am already blessed with 'life' itself. I probably wouldn't have lasted if I did not listen to his voice.

November 11th, Tuesday evening-
A usual backbencher in church, I heard this lady thank God for her job, standing before all the people in the hall. In my heart, I said nothing more but "God, can I stand there next Tuesday and thank you for a job?".

November 12th,13th (Wednesday, Thursday) -
Interview with the first company on Wednesday and I am asked to make an appearance again on Thursday. After 2 whole days of an interview in that company, as I walk out of its premises, my Dad waits in the car, hands me the phone and tells me - " You got a call from National Bank of Kuwait! They might be interested in calling you for an interview..".

November 13th,14th (Friday, Saturday) : Weekend.

November 15th, Sunday -
Interview with NBK, the second company.

November 16th, Monday -
The first company calls and tells me they are positive and want my response. Confused, as I am unaware of what NBK's response is.

November 17th, Tuesday morning -
NBK confirms and says its a go ahead!

November 17th, Tuesday evening -
I stand up there in the hall, before all the people (considering that my knees shake when I have to speak like that before an audience) and I said nothing much but this line - "I asked God for a job. He gave me 2....".

I do not still know what is pushing me to write this post. My mind is blank and my soul is filled. I feel like Abraham once again - blessed, changed, to the point that I do not care if I am accepted for being this way today.

We could live our lives thinking that everything that happens is a coincidence. I today prefer to live mine thinking everything is a miracle, down to the very breath I take now when there are millions taking their last.

The tree...

Some frozen and dry, some still breathing with a sigh.
The season changed, so did the color of these leaves..
Heavy laden with snow, from green to white..
They didnt dance or sway, for the birds had forgotten their way..
Bereft of the spring twitter, the branches that held them together
were bent, droopin down and hopelessly blown.
'I'll keep you alive' whispered the voice below the ground,
her roots wrestled to not let go of any part of herself..
She whispered on...to her leaves, her being.
"Its just the season, your branches shall not stay broken".
It thundered, stormed and blew stones of hail..
Though frail and withered, she promised to prevail.
Even with her grounds moving away from her feet,
she held her one fine branch up high.
Another night had set, and the dawn swayed in with a new promise..
Feelin the first block of snow melt away from her leaves,
A little green peeked out as tears of snow fell around..
From a far horizon, she saw the first summer bird fly..
From a far east, she saw a hopeful sun rise high..
The skies cleared out, so did her doubts
of a new born breeze bringing new life to breathe.
The season changed, so did the color of these leaves.
Smiling with splendor, from white to green..
They danced and swayed, for the birds had come to stay...
Filled with spring twitter, the branches rose up in vigor
and smiled down to the roots...
She whispered on...to her leaves, her being..
"Its a beautiful season till the next storm arrives,
but bloom and smile, for your roots are strong,
if there be a season that is right, there will always be one that's wrong,
with each passing wind and each passing storm,
you'll still stand tall, even after your fall.."
With a soulful heart and head held high,
yes, i watched her stand tall..the soulful tree.

Music..The Soul

That which is unspoken of to people, you speak to these lifeless beings.
And they reverberate more than what the living do.
They don't reply stale words.
They reply music...that breathes life into words.

A song for God : I have a new born story

I was weak and I had fallen..
My slender wings were broken..
I was blind, with no direction..
I couldn't feel, not even your passion..

And then I saw you lift me up in your wings..
Soaring high and above, you wiped my tears..
In my weakness, I felt your strength..
In your shadow, now with all my heart I sing..

You are my love, my perfect love!!
Robed with compassion, my father above!!
You've clothed my life with your amazing glory!!
And now, I have a new born story!!

A wheel of life - old friends.

A pack of 15 year old girls that cooed and cried in awe at the sound of the then-teen-pop-sensation the backstreet boys. For whom those first crushes shared were then the die hard secrets of a lifetime. A blend of tomboys and pretty dames that gelled and defined laughter at the together-times by the corridors of the school, near the next best happening place behind the school which was the newest stuffed toys and cards gallery in the vicinity, on the walls and by the roads of the buildings, at the stuffed row of one of the backward seats in the church. These frames flashed in black and white before me today as we, now the 24 year olds, walked hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, back in the same place where our little story of friendship began.

The dusty ground side beside our school and the huge space near the basket ball court were replaced by the stretch of the now trendy mall. Everything around us were a lot different now. But the hold of our hands, the feel of one's hand on the others' shoulder, the synergy of the music of our voices together singing the same old songs as we walked the stretch. It was still the same. Time travelled far enough to change each of our lives into mazes that we probably are still hazy in figuring out. But the touch, feel and music of friendship did not change one bit. It was still fresh. Still old. Still gold.

8 years back, hyper teens let loose to create a war of our own free will and thoughts. Today, we witnessed one of us wear her engagement ring standing in a glow so beautiful next to her groom to be. I ran up to her and hugged her, whispering to each other how much we missed each other. The girl that was the craziest among us and the closest to me stepping into a new life. She deserved every bit of that glow on her face and none of us standing around her could agree more. As she walked into her car as a lady now, a flash of the young teenage her flashed in my mind. For a moment, I wanted to pull her back into the midst of where the rest of us stood and travel back in time to the school corridors wearing those grey skirts, white shirts and the marroon tie.

Leaving her with her love, we the ladies that had no marriage in mind, now walked in our singledom, in our friendship. As dinner proceeded, we talked and caught up on nothing that we missed out on each others' lives all these 6 years. Instead, we laughed, we chuckled, we cracked up. For nothing. For everything. Cos back then and even today, we needed no better reason than the togetherness itself for a smile to glow through our faces.

The evening is done and I'm retreating back to bed from where I get a view of the beautiful moon through the shady window. Everything looks beautiful.

Fall.Rise...

It is more than just amazing how each day of your life can teach you a lesson more valuable than the one you learnt on the day that just wrapped itself up. Sometimes, with the night that passes by, we sleep over some of the lessons that we do not wish to have learnt at all. Simply because truth hurts. And hurt...is something we do not want to take with us the next day. Amazing it is, when you dont even have to step out of your house to learn what will be the most valuable lessons that you carry along with you for all life.

Like the new dawn that breaks in every day, I wish to wake up with a new hope. Sometimes. Even as a new person. Renewed.

This day brought forth a new lesson to me. On companionship. A quote in Don Quixote goes like this..Tell me thy company and I will tell thee what thou art. The words are in a book. But the essence is the experience. The experience of a girl that was fun loving, outgoing, full of life was a reflection of her friendships. When suddenly she choses to be within the confines of white walls, she wonders to herself what she reflects. When slowly all companionship drains out amidst the time of life when she needs a voice that nods to her silent conversations, she wonders if she reflects emptiness...for companionship looks point blank to her.

No job, no love, no relationships. I am in an exploratory phase of the journey that leads to destiny. With a fall each day that makes me rise up with more strength than yesterday, I realise I'm alone but not lonely. The view from where I stand, the 9th floor balcony. When every cloud I look up at is sans the silver lining, there are moments in the day that makes me look beyond the clouds and the thank God I'm alive. This is one such moment. If companionship defines who I am. Today, my companionship is me and the supreme one that sees all. Today, I am who I am.

I fall alone and I fail alone but I rise up alone.

Painting the masterpiece - My first testimony of faith

Faith...isn't faith until it is all we are holding onto.

This is my first testimony on faith. On God.

I lived on the understanding that I knew all about him because he was like a friend. But then came other friends. And we went out of touch… and I….stayed out of touch until…

Today. He is more than a friend. And what I write below is our first real conversation. Of how he held out his hand to me. I believe they say it is uncool to write on God and on your beliefs in him. But I find it hard to not stand up for him. One of the many reasons being,he stood up for me.

On the corner of my bed, with the phone on one hand and my bible in the other. 3 long hours of a heart breaking conversation, struggling to make a decision. I kept flipping the pages in the bible to look for a sign that helped me take my decision. I always looked for signs to believe.

There were so many lives that were at stake. There were just 2 roads before me. The one on the right and the one on the left.

I knew the road to the left. I had been there and every step I took would lead me to where I know I would be. It is a human trait to prefer security and predictability. The brains prefer the known road even if it may be filled with rubble and dust. A known devil is better than an unknown angel.

The road to the right was that to complete unpredictability. Every step on such a road is a leap of faith, guided by the voice of your heart.

It wasn’t long after a conflict between the heart and the brains, that my heart won. After painting a picture of life that relied on my understanding alone, what I have on my canvas was not the masterpiece I wanted. I decided to let go of the rope that I was hanging on to. No. The rope is not a person or a relationship. It was the fact that I relied mostly on my understanding and the permutations and combinations that my brains worked out (even after knowing I was a pity at mathematics)!

I decided to take a leap of faith and believe that the road on the right is the right one indeed. It would lead me to unpredictability of a lifetime. I would have to hold the hands of a God I believe in and walk straight into the pitch dark room and believe he would take me to the right place, and would hold me if i tumble and fall. I would have to rely not just on my understanding, but my faith in a God we call Father.

Soon after I took the decision and announced it to all that mattered, I shut myself in the room. I opened the bible once again. My eyes fell on 2 verses –

“1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.”

There was just one lesson to be learnt. God did not want me to look for signs first to believe that he is taking care of me and taking control over my life. He wanted me to believe first so that I will see the signs he was waiting to show me.

I let go of the rope . I have not fallen. I am flying instead. Flying away through an unpredictable road. In faith. Some day, in his time, the masterpiece on my canvas will be complete.

Ignorance...is bliss.

As a child, I wondered less about what it would be like to be older. Today, I wonder no more. It is everything but a wonder. It is a fear..to think about finding myself grey haired and not yet lived my life..the way I wanted.

Come to think of it, I feel proud and content to be in my shoes. The most valuable treasures in life are mine today – experiences. A kaleidoscope of life. As you turn it around, there’s always a new blend of colors, a new design manifesting itself from the next corner. The grey shades in the last corner is swept over by new colors.

I see grandma skittering around like a child. I see the cycle of life completing its course around her. The heart of an 8 year old is back in an 80 year old. To all around me, she is a sight of pity. The way I look at it, its everything but pathetic. There is a world that she has created for herself and she is content in. That is her world and she wouldn’t come out of it for anyone.

God just blessed her with a gift of ignorance and named it Alzheimers.

The railway station

Oct. 16th, 2008

The end of a phase in my life that built a billion dreams and broke a zillion promises. The beginning of a phase that marked the realization of who I am and the curiosity to know my destiny.

The railway station…

The bags were packed and the friends had arrived. We were all ready to go for yet another drive to the station. But this time, it was me. I was the one to leave.

There was an awkward silence in between the remarks to humorise the see-off drive. A silence that made everyone uncomfortable enough to say it out loud – ‘oru smashaana moogadha!’. Those were the times when I interupted myself with my weird noises that everyone would gladly ignore. Maybe, they agreed with me that anything was better than the silence that sunk the feeling of a long goodbye.I wished they would put the music and they finally did.I tore my cheeks apart to bring out the pasted smile on my face. Within 30 minutes of the drive, I felt my mood flip like the pages of an open book placed outside on a breezy day. One moment I was caught in nostalgia of how we drove the others to the station and how each time I would be one of those who cracked the satirical jokes and destroyed the sentiments in the air. Another moment I felt the feeling sink in me that this is indeed not a weekend trip to Cochin….that I was going away for good. The moment next to that was me telling myself I have to enjoy these last moments with the gang and not find myself caught in my thoughts. As I got out of the car, my heart beat a little faster. It was like a thud in my heart and I had to sigh out loud to myself to tell myself I can do this without letting anyone know it hurts…or rather, how much it hurts…

As we waited for the train, I sat next to Thommy, probably one of our last times sitting lazily together with slumped shoulders, staring into empty space…this was what we enjoyed doing the most..with nothing said, it was always yet the best conversations I’d had. Joby strolled casually around. Tina and Deepak stood right before me, the three of us avoiding all chances of looking at each other…quietly saying what was always unsaid…. I searched for VJ around and I saw him walk briskly, in a high after his record breaking booze of several quarters in 6 minutes. There was something warm about the smile we gave each other, it was as if he understood whatever it was. Meanwhile, crazy Divya lightened things up by continuing the remarks and the jokes. I kept smiling, stealing my eyes from getting caught with anybody else’s. I did not want anyone to read my eyes, the truth being, I did not know for myself what they would read. They would probably read what I possibly deny myself from knowing. The stealing show went perfect until Maria looked right at me. Her smile said a million words, above all, that she would miss me. As she fought back the tears welling up in her eyes, there was probably a question if I would miss her too? I had to reply….and I replied back…in tears. I didn’t have to wait for Divya to return with her comments and break the emotional leak outs. We were back to smiles again.

Time flew. It was 9.15. I saw the train move and in no time I found myself jump onto the train. In a split second, I lost track of my mind and I did not know what I was doing anymore or why. All I could do was look at those left behind and not even utter goodbye. I wondered when I would see them again. I wondered… if they knew how I felt……

Unwritten, unforgettable..

In 13 days, Chennai would make its way from being a living dream into being an eternal memory. The whole journey now feels like a walk in the woods. Just as scared as I was to begin the journey, the excitement and adventures never died down. It just got better as we crossed the woods. I had hands that I could hold on to when we sniffed danger. And now that we've crossed the woods together, it is time to let go.....and go alone to the point where the next journey begins. For when one ends, the next should begin...

Destiny, they say, is a matter of choice and not chance. And I wish at this point, that the chances of all our choices being the same would be high...but life's lesson is that we dont take all that we love along with us wherever we go.

Sometimes letting go is the end.....and sometimes it is just the beginning of realising what those relationships mean to you, even if that selfish little heart in you would never get to know what you mean to them..

Life is all about living those moments. Live the laughter. Live the tears. Live the disappointments. Live those fears. Here....i lived it all...'they' taught me how to...

Bitter or better..they were lessons that only those really close ones can teach you.

I can never write about how this feels........Silence.....These are the chapters that could never go forgotten...even if they are unwritten.

................

Like the tear-filled blue eyes of a baby girl..
Like a hazy heart with a secret untold..
The misty grey clouds held back her monsoon tears,
like lingering in a wait for a confidante..
The destined time had come,the rainbow knocked at her door..
She gleamed in joy at her long lost friend..
And then like a secret that was better disclosed,
she shed her monsoon tears and let the rainbow glow..

The mystery of the fallen table...

Welcome to the world where the days are bright and the nights....they are just as mysterious and happening!!..where sleep does not take over the soul of the starving and there is atleast one mysterious revelation made everyday through the characters of this...ahem....asylum?! hell yeah!

Characters of the asylum - Farha being sensible, Divya, Maria and Me alternate the roles of Mad, Crazy and Insane every other day, but stick to these three roles, doing justice to it with almost all sincerity! Heard of synergy? Some form of energy that exists in a team of people which will not be so when you work alone or something along those lines? When left to ourselves, alone, we are harmless....like protons, neutrons and electrons. But together - when the 3 combine to give an indivisible atom (shit...I remember what an atom is?)...hell we generate the effects of an atom bomb!

It only feels like yesterday night (ah!....it was yesterady night indeed)...when i was just mad and thought ill catch some sleep before i take over being crazy/insane. My fluttering disturbed sleepy eyes were flipped open and I jumped up on my bed wondering if I heard a big crash and people screaming. For a moment I thought I will calm down thinking it was just another nightmare of the world ending and catching fire and people were screaming frantically and I was being the angelina jolie saving people in my dream!...until.....I heard one more loud scream from the other side of the door...it went something like this - "the fish...the fish....the fish..ouch!....bucket....shit...catch them..ahh.....ouch!!...noooooo!!"...

Tilted my head down to where lay some store of sense. Darn no people. Think straight! Farha slept down on the floor. I was relieved to see her up on the bed searching for someone to agree that those were real noises outside the room. The moment our eyes met, our heads nodded and our feet sprang up into action swinging the door of help wide open. Standing there like the power rangers in the site of violence, we felt a little different from the real power rangers. We felt a little less powerful, a little more helpless!

What we saw - Junior Titanic disaster. This time - Titanic our table crashed down. Leaving the laptop, the CDs, the books all nearly about to sink in the 1 cm thick life threatening waterlog. Where did the water come from? You dont want to know. Our aquarium came crashing down. What I heard in my semi sleeping dream was not the dream. It was Divya dashing down the hall the moment the table crashed with the aquarium (her bday gift was about to die breathless) . In her violent yet brisk attempt to save the fish, she probably thought she would reach the bathroom faster by skidding across the hall to the room. She, however, forgot to which angle I taught her to skid across the hall, did the feat wrong and landed on her back. Out there from the other corner of the disaster site, rescuing the laptop was Maria screaming - "You'll kill the fish if you fall like that....you'll fall on them!".... This took place in a few split seconds. The frames were moving too fast to catch the eyes and senses of the power rangers supposedly to be in action. Gladly, I was fortunate to have taught Divya how to act fast in situations where I am asleep/partially asleep. She did the second lesson right even if she did not remember how I taught her to skid across the hall. She was back on her feet with a bucket of water. Then started the frantic search for the fish. This time I wished the TA-10 tendis did not get her 6 of those fish. By the second, it was getting harder to believe we would probably be able to save innocent blood from being shed. What was worse. The fish were beginning to lose hope in those helping hands that divya extended to rescue them. They would instantly jump out of her hands. What if they had gone slightly deaf in the whole turn of events. She didnt take a chance. She screamed out at the top of her voice. "Get into my hands if you want to survive you damn fish!!!". 5 of them up in the bucket of water. 1 still down. and worse....we couldnt find the last one. All the four of us screaming..."where's the last one..oh shit...where are youuuu?......look behind the mirror...no!....under the table...no!!!.....". My eyes caught the sight of the last fish and I gasped and screamed - OH NO!!!!!!!.....Thankfully Divya's back was turned on the wall against which the fish lay smashed! I froze wondering if it was dead when it flipped down from the wall into the floor. I wondered if Divya would've survived to see that sight. She quickly tossed the last one into the bucket of water........All the 6 survived.

''How did it fall?.......What just happened...?...Oh my God...!"......all of us staring at the mess around..Water, stones from the aquarium, fish poo....The power rangers were now in action. We cleaned, wiped, had to deal with a looot of fish poo!

It ws 2.30 am by then. This was a regular timing for such incidents in this house. We would have either been cleaning the floor after a cake splash happened on the floor or it would be some disaster like this. Behind every disaster, some of us learn life's most valuable lessons. I was glad I discovered something tonight. The secret behind clean floors - Floors cleaned with cakes and fish poo at midnight shine and sparkle.

The fish survived. The disaster site was clean. Now came the moment where we had to use a little thinking. How did the table fall? The one clue was - Divya and Maria were watching Kismat Konnection when this happened. They should've responded when they got the first signal that they were not to watch it. But they broke the law of following signs and continued. Then came the table crash. Ironical - The name of the movie and the incident.....The other possibility was......the call of the dark lord, Prasanna, coincided with the table crash.

There had to be some connection with Kismat konnection and the call of the dark lord!....While the the mystery of the fallen table remains a mystery unsolved, I retreated back under my blanket, leaving crazy and insane...and sensible behind. Slept mad.

(the episodes from the happy asylum will continue.....stay tuned :) )

Insane resemblance...

I always chose to walk down the silent dark roadside to the crowded church gate. A few steps further from the noisy gate was a silence that I had fallen in love with. Beyond the silence were conversations that I exchanged with some supernatural force that I call real..that I call God.

One of those days where the questions in my mind found me near the church gate, I saw a man mumbling words to himself..saying things out loud to people he came across...with no one to listen to him. I wondered if he would have wished in some corner of his insane heart that someone would atleast pretend to listen to him? I wondered if there was any part of him that was alive enough to feel the hurt of ignorance.....with noone who would even want to believe what he said. I teased my thought of feeling like one of them.

When I was on my knees wishing someone would read the silence in my eyes, he was on his knees wishing someone would hear the words on his lips. But before the eyes of those who did not read the silence or hear the words....we were both just insane people.

Beyond what's seen, what's told and what's defined...there exists a world of words, bonds and emotions undefined. But this...only the insane would know...

Here we come......Bengaluru...!

a pic 4m d previous blore trip... :P ..from d left > Kundi, Pindam (me), Kochamma, Mr. Perera, Superman, Kaattupothu....Gang incomplete.....Luttu, Padam, Chandha missin.

Its 7.19 am. We should be out on the road now!

But yea. We've got to stick on to the first rule of the gang - NEVER LEAVE ON TIME - even if it means you have to catch a train in 20 minutes (oh by the way, it can be a 40 minute drive to the station...!)...

Now here's the second rule - EVERY MONKEY IN THE GANG GETS A BIG BANG ON THE MONKEY'S BIRTHDAY...ahan..even on the butt! :P

This 2 day road trip is one such celebration. It's SUPERMAN's birthday.

CHENNAI - like one great bum said, is the place that has filled our lives with a lot of happiness......and sadness too.

This trip could probably flip the moods back to joy. Hm! Anxious...

Sometimes I just need a break and then break this ice in myself. Awaiting to live every moment of this roadtrip....probably the last one before I leave Chennai for good.

BON VOYAGE GANG! Lets rock!! :D

The first friend.....

To pattikutty....with love...;P

Everyone has that first friend. I do too.

I met her in the 4th grade, if I remember right....

I can't begin to think of any order of events that brought us close to each other. Back then, we were opposite poles. If she liked Shahrukh Khan, it was pretty sure that I wouldnt have liked him. If she liked hot dogs, it was a sure bet I would say no to being offered that one. I cant think much about what we liked or disliked....

All I can recall is......we were so different, yet so close.

We were like Laurel and Hardy - unfortunately, not on physical aspects...cos we were both little teddy bears! :P

We knew we would hit it a long way through, thanks to all the fights we had. After a long dialogue of disagreements, we would still pat each other and find ourselves walking with our hands on each others' shoulders.....

6 long years of growing friendship in Kuwait....and then it was finally time to say goodbye...

Its been 8 years since I bid my first goodbye to her. She's always pulled me back and kicked me on the right place when I fell off her track and forgot to say hi......

...that was all she wanted - for me to just think about her and the memories we created.

Those simple old childhood days.

Girl.....Just gotta tell you that there's not been a day that I dont think of you, our friendship....

You were my first friend.....that special one with whom I held hands and learnt to walk the way of friendship.