Oct. 16th, 2008
The end of a phase in my life that built a billion dreams and broke a zillion promises. The beginning of a phase that marked the realization of who I am and the curiosity to know my destiny.
The railway station…
The bags were packed and the friends had arrived. We were all ready to go for yet another drive to the station. But this time, it was me. I was the one to leave.
There was an awkward silence in between the remarks to humorise the see-off drive. A silence that made everyone uncomfortable enough to say it out loud – ‘oru smashaana moogadha!’. Those were the times when I interupted myself with my weird noises that everyone would gladly ignore. Maybe, they agreed with me that anything was better than the silence that sunk the feeling of a long goodbye.I wished they would put the music and they finally did.I tore my cheeks apart to bring out the pasted smile on my face. Within 30 minutes of the drive, I felt my mood flip like the pages of an open book placed outside on a breezy day. One moment I was caught in nostalgia of how we drove the others to the station and how each time I would be one of those who cracked the satirical jokes and destroyed the sentiments in the air. Another moment I felt the feeling sink in me that this is indeed not a weekend trip to Cochin….that I was going away for good. The moment next to that was me telling myself I have to enjoy these last moments with the gang and not find myself caught in my thoughts. As I got out of the car, my heart beat a little faster. It was like a thud in my heart and I had to sigh out loud to myself to tell myself I can do this without letting anyone know it hurts…or rather, how much it hurts…
As we waited for the train, I sat next to Thommy, probably one of our last times sitting lazily together with slumped shoulders, staring into empty space…this was what we enjoyed doing the most..with nothing said, it was always yet the best conversations I’d had. Joby strolled casually around. Tina and Deepak stood right before me, the three of us avoiding all chances of looking at each other…quietly saying what was always unsaid…. I searched for VJ around and I saw him walk briskly, in a high after his record breaking booze of several quarters in 6 minutes. There was something warm about the smile we gave each other, it was as if he understood whatever it was. Meanwhile, crazy Divya lightened things up by continuing the remarks and the jokes. I kept smiling, stealing my eyes from getting caught with anybody else’s. I did not want anyone to read my eyes, the truth being, I did not know for myself what they would read. They would probably read what I possibly deny myself from knowing. The stealing show went perfect until Maria looked right at me. Her smile said a million words, above all, that she would miss me. As she fought back the tears welling up in her eyes, there was probably a question if I would miss her too? I had to reply….and I replied back…in tears. I didn’t have to wait for Divya to return with her comments and break the emotional leak outs. We were back to smiles again.
Time flew. It was 9.15. I saw the train move and in no time I found myself jump onto the train. In a split second, I lost track of my mind and I did not know what I was doing anymore or why. All I could do was look at those left behind and not even utter goodbye. I wondered when I would see them again. I wondered… if they knew how I felt……
The end of a phase in my life that built a billion dreams and broke a zillion promises. The beginning of a phase that marked the realization of who I am and the curiosity to know my destiny.
The railway station…
The bags were packed and the friends had arrived. We were all ready to go for yet another drive to the station. But this time, it was me. I was the one to leave.
There was an awkward silence in between the remarks to humorise the see-off drive. A silence that made everyone uncomfortable enough to say it out loud – ‘oru smashaana moogadha!’. Those were the times when I interupted myself with my weird noises that everyone would gladly ignore. Maybe, they agreed with me that anything was better than the silence that sunk the feeling of a long goodbye.I wished they would put the music and they finally did.I tore my cheeks apart to bring out the pasted smile on my face. Within 30 minutes of the drive, I felt my mood flip like the pages of an open book placed outside on a breezy day. One moment I was caught in nostalgia of how we drove the others to the station and how each time I would be one of those who cracked the satirical jokes and destroyed the sentiments in the air. Another moment I felt the feeling sink in me that this is indeed not a weekend trip to Cochin….that I was going away for good. The moment next to that was me telling myself I have to enjoy these last moments with the gang and not find myself caught in my thoughts. As I got out of the car, my heart beat a little faster. It was like a thud in my heart and I had to sigh out loud to myself to tell myself I can do this without letting anyone know it hurts…or rather, how much it hurts…
As we waited for the train, I sat next to Thommy, probably one of our last times sitting lazily together with slumped shoulders, staring into empty space…this was what we enjoyed doing the most..with nothing said, it was always yet the best conversations I’d had. Joby strolled casually around. Tina and Deepak stood right before me, the three of us avoiding all chances of looking at each other…quietly saying what was always unsaid…. I searched for VJ around and I saw him walk briskly, in a high after his record breaking booze of several quarters in 6 minutes. There was something warm about the smile we gave each other, it was as if he understood whatever it was. Meanwhile, crazy Divya lightened things up by continuing the remarks and the jokes. I kept smiling, stealing my eyes from getting caught with anybody else’s. I did not want anyone to read my eyes, the truth being, I did not know for myself what they would read. They would probably read what I possibly deny myself from knowing. The stealing show went perfect until Maria looked right at me. Her smile said a million words, above all, that she would miss me. As she fought back the tears welling up in her eyes, there was probably a question if I would miss her too? I had to reply….and I replied back…in tears. I didn’t have to wait for Divya to return with her comments and break the emotional leak outs. We were back to smiles again.
Time flew. It was 9.15. I saw the train move and in no time I found myself jump onto the train. In a split second, I lost track of my mind and I did not know what I was doing anymore or why. All I could do was look at those left behind and not even utter goodbye. I wondered when I would see them again. I wondered… if they knew how I felt……
2 comments:
farewells.. i hate them.. the only time when I cry
It just took a split second to look at you and the waterfall of tears came out of nowhere!!
My mother always wondered where I used to store all the water! :-)
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